Chunky-wet nail polish

So............it's been a while since I have written and my soul needs it today. I have been on a pity-pot for the last few days and wish to shake it but haven't been able to. It subsides at times, like during Christmas Mass when Molly read her part of the Nativity story in Church, or when we all sat around the breakfast table Christmas morning, or when I went back to work today and felt like I was really in my element...........other then that..........it has been a heavy hearted last few days. Last Thursday we received the news that our insurance denied Molly a medication that her neurologist thought would be a great try. We went the week prior to Children's hospital in St Louis for a 2nd opinion and we fell in love with the Doctor and she diagnosed Molly with partial seizure epilepsy with focal or maybe even multi focal seizures. She is actually seizing more at night then we are catching and her slow days are probably after several small seizures at night. Now, after I explain this to some they tend to stare and say, "Well, at least she could grow out of it, or IT COULD BE WORSE!" Yeah, those are both correct answers but to a mom that lives in the moment these days neither of these help. In the mean time she is struggling at school, she is an emotional wreck, she tires way too easily, she frustrates quickly and she doesn't eat. She is currently overwhelmed with her best friend Charley. She is CONSTANTLY overwhelmed and aren't we all when we just don't feel good. Epilepsy isn't just a seizure here and there, its the aftermath, its the soreness and aches of a seizing body ................ on top of growing pains in a small stature 7 year old! She has very poor memory and some days are worse then others and I constantly ask myself will she be able to make friends...........she is a tad bit over-emotional these days and who wants that added drama? She is beautiful and she is mine! I am reduced to tears regularly at all the LIFE that we have to modify. I feel like its not fair at times and sometimes I resent the families that have lived a pretty vanilla life! Ours is messy, its superman ice cream with a splash of cherries, and chocolate mint and cookies and cream and all that crammed into a small little fragile sugar cone...........tasty.............intriguing................ but real messy! I feel like I lose sight of God and all of his blessings, I feel like I fail Jesus when I constantly ask why. This makes me feel guilty and this makes me feel like I'm a toddler throwing a fit but this is where I am! He will love me unconditionally, RIGHT!? I want to take all of the uncertainty out of life right now. I barely sleep at night listening for Molly, I snap at the big kids more then I should and I sometimes leave Moran to fend for himself............it's kind of a survival mode. To the moms at basketball games, sometimes I want to talk, sometimes I want to cry! To the lady at HUCK'S in Charleston, I'm sorry you had to see me sob.......... I really needed a fountain Coke after hearing insurance tell me they denied the medication, you were sooo sweet.....to the best friend at work.......for the Love of God stop taking days off work............to the 13 year old boy that loves to hug his momma......you will never ever know what those hugs do and to the 10 year old daughter that runs this house better then her momma, YOU ROCK! To the neighbor that told me today that I rock as a momma even after I smashed the hell out of my 2 year olds fingers at the grocery store...........I NEEDED that! To the family and friends that don't understand the journey, I don't either really, we are navigating for the first time too.........HUG my Molly anytime you can, give me a kind glance from a distance because if you hug me you will probably walk away with a wet shoulder and show my big kids some love, they are better kids because of this journey but they would have been good kids without it I'm hopeful! So that brings me to the title, Mace and Molls knew momma was down today.......so they gave me a spa makeover and as I sit here and type I have WET globby nail polish on my fingers...and I hate it but I will be leaving it for a while as it reminds me the little things are what make them and me feel all better, even if its for a little while! To all the momma's out there trying to keep it together, get out the nail polish and let it fly...............I cringed when they were doing it but now I don't want to take it off.